There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
