Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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