I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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