Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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