I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
