I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
