on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
