Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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