Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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