So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
