forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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