whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
