you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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