I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
