ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
