: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
