Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
