are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
