I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
