i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
