Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
