I puked a lego.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
