you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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