remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
