I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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