we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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