would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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