we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
