Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
