he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
