She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
