would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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