I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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