I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
