he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
