it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
