I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
