My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
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Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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