I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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