i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
