I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
