i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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