someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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