I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
