Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
