He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
