he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
