you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
