Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
