If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
