I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
