The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
