He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
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Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
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Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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