I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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