I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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