apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
