dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
