I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
