Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
