Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
