so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
