The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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