just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
