I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
