I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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