we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
